Well, it's just 2 months until my flight back to the UK. I am so very scared about my future. For those of you who don't know my story I will give it to you in brief .... I just turned 39 and I am from the UK. I moved over to Canada in 2001 when I married T whom I met in London where I was working and he was on holiday. We had nothing in common except our love of nature, The Beatles and sleeping! I knew this before I married but I was so sure that I was left on the shelf, at 31, that I pushed him into marriage. He was unfaithful with an ex girlfriend within a week of us getting married. However, I was so insistent that I wasn't going to be another divorce statistic that I stuck it out when the infidelity happened again and again. I am from a very close Christian family and had never been in a situation like this - I thought things like this only happened in books or on soap operas but ... I had to accept the fact that I was living it for real. I've been through a heck of a lot, as those who know me are well aware. I could make your hair curl with some of the episodes that have taken place in the last seven years!
So here I am at 39 feeling like a scared five year old. Believe it or not, now that I am planning to leave I am getting sad about saying goodbye to him. We have had some good times and I know he's going to be a mess without me, at least initially. How do people manage to erase feelings after divorce? I realize that a lot of it is co-dependency but part of me will always love him.
I am also wondering where on earth I will end up. My darling parents are in South Wales but I know that if I end up there on a permanent basis I will go crazy! However, they are in their 80's and I do feel responsible for them. If I went to back to London then I really would be starting again as I only have one friend who still lives there - along with my sister and her family. But after living here for so long, the thought of the chaos of London just fills me with dread ...... and some excitement! See how confused I am???
I would love to meet a nice man and settle down and have a child - that's all I really want. The blogs that I enjoy most are those of women living in domestic bliss. But what if it doesn't happen? I dread the thought of being alone. I have had enough excitement in my life - I just want somewhere to really call a home of my own, with someone who loves me. I just want stability.
And, don't laugh, I am also really sad about having to leave my hamster. She's given me so much joy and furry snuggles when I have been down in the dumps. Although I know T will look after her as he adores her too.
I will add that I have no money - but also no debt. I have been in such a funk the last few weeks and my migraines seem to have reappeared with the stress. I really want to try to enjoy my last few weeks here but at the moment I am so anxious about my future that I find it hard to enjoy anything.
So any advice??
7 comments:
I am still thinking about and digesting everything you have written about, so don't really have any advice for you...yet. It is easy for me to say you should not feel guilty about leaving. But there is a history and feelings there, of course.
Basically, you do have the whole world before you(and to me, 39 is young!!) and this is likely a beginning in a good direction of your life, but I would be scared and in a quandry like you.
Please forgive me for not really helping and just some blithering words, but I only wanted to let you know I am hoping you will figure things out and that once you push past the scary decisions, you will be feeling certain about your life again(and may some good things start happening).
I think I can also not give the one and only advice...I only know you have to try and start doing the things that are good for YOU! One of my friends e.g. always stayed in the close neigbourhood of her mum because she was old and had diabetes - sooner or later she found out she was holding back everything most of all her own luck and fortune and was somehow living her mums live.
The only thing I can offer - I'm going to be in London or Wales wherever you want us to meet in early spring and I promise two open ears and a heart and lots of chilled white wine! :-) love&hugs Bw
Hi there, Dearie. Just struck with suprise after reading this post! I had no idea you had come to the decision to leave T. Oh my,..advice? Taking one day at a time that is for sure. I had to face the same thing you did many years ago and I am so thankful I did. It was a struggle to change my life and find myself but I'm still on that path and my dear, dear, friend---YOU WILL TOO!! Never lose hope and stay close to God. He will direct your path, calm you, comfort you and He is always there waiting to hear your voice! I love you lots and many prayers will I lift up to our Father for your decision and what happens afterwards.
I can so imagine you feel scared!! It is a huge step you are making...
I have written a longer reply to this separately, but I just want you to know I am thinking of you...I am so positive you will *have* the strength to do this and you will be happy again!
X
I started again at the age of 45. I had a horribly abusive husband, mentally and emotionally. He had been the love of my life since I was 12 years old. That was so very hard to walk away from, and it cost me my family to do so. I had to do it though because after 22 years of being told I was stupid and ugly, etc. I knew that to stay meant giving up on life altogether. It was hard, very hard, but it was also the best thing I could have done for me. Stepping out into the unknown is always a bit scary, but it comes with great rewards too. One day at a time, one step at a time, and you will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel and a new life full of promise. Better to do it now my sweet friend, than to wait another ten years and regret having wasted them being someplace you didn't really need to be. Life is far too short to spend it being unhappy. There is a part of me that will always love my ex husband. He was such a huge part of my life for so very long afterall. There is a bigger part of me that knows though that I did the best thing I could have done for me and I have no regrets whatsoever. Not sure if this helps or not. I wish you all the luck in the world and if you end up down London way and you don't give me a call, you are in big trouble girl!!! lol
When things are so bad you have to leave, they can only get better. Go to those who will take care of you because they love you and you will soon feel safe enough on your feet to take a first step towards a new and better life. You are a young, you are a sweetheart and you have a long life ahead of you to make your wishes come true. That's what I think :) Take care sweetie, I'm really sorry things have come to this, but I trust that in your heart you've made the right decision. Put your happinness first and good things will come to you. Big hugs xox
Hey Quirky Celt--where are you? Missing you!! Hope everything is going okay. Just checking on you! Love you lots... Fondly, ~Just A Girl~
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