Baby Talk

A heavy post today - partly for me to unload and partly for me to try and get across my innermost feelings at the moment to my nearest and dearest friends. I know some of you have been worried about me recently.

So, taking a deep breath here it is .......

I have wanted a child since I was about 25. I'd never really thought about motherhood in great depth until my niece was born - but as soon as she, and later my nephew, came along I was sure I wanted to be a Mum. So, maybe marrying a man who had had a vasectomy wasn't really a wise idea. But I was a stupid idiot and thought I was "left on the shelf" at 31 so, dear reader, I married him. At the time it had been the intention to get the reversal operation. However, with the marriage the way it has been ... this hasn't really been an option, besides which the money just hasn't been there. After all he has his children and our priorities were very different. Now, our marriage is all but over. So, here I am at 38 (and a half) and childless.

A number of my friends are in the same situation but none of them have the same longing as I do. Some find it hard to understand my misery. It's the first thing I think about in the morning , last thing at night and numerous times throughout the day. Every baby I see in their pushchair makes my heart crack a teeny bit more. I went for a lovely walk yesterday but it seemed that because the sun was out that the whole world had brought their gorgeous gurgling babies on the path I was taking. So, I came home and cried, prayed for the millionth time that God would send me a baby and cried again. It's got to the point that I hate reading books with babies in and any movie/tv show/news report is switched off instantly. The pain is so raw. I admit that I think of suicide sometimes if I reach 42 and am still childless. When a friend of a friend announced at a birthday party that she didn't really want a baby but felt that she should I was inwardly breaking - and yes, of course, she is now a mother. When I was volunteering I met women who were working girls and drug addicts who were pregnant and still smoking/drinking/using - it was hard not to judge them. Another old friend has just told me of an ex co worker who is 3 months pregnant with her third and she isn't sure who the father is. This all sounds bitter and bitchy but I am going to leave it in because I want to be honest about how this is affecting so many aspects of my life.

When I hear on the news about abandoned babies being found I scream out internally "Why couldn't I have found it?" I can also understand how women get so "crazy" with the longing for a child that they steal someone else's. Don't worry though - I wouldn't do that.

I don't really have many options open to me except adoption - which I am pretty much at the maximum age for, but it's something that I would love to do - but it's so so expensive. Also, because of my situation it will be even harder, being broke, having no partner, no home of my own, have been out of the workplace for six years and therefore I will probably have to totally retrain to get a decent job. I would LOVE to adopt from overseas - I get so jealous of celebs like Angelina Jolie who are able to do it with such ease. I'd be just a good a mother as her and yet, because I don't have £1000000's of dollars to spend I am not given the chance. I wish they made it easier as there are so many children in the world who need loving homes. I could try to meet someone new and let it happen naturally but that might not happen. Don't they say that a woman over 40 is more likely to be struck by lightning than marry? The thing that I am most interested in looking at at the moment is sperm donation. The only thing that worries me is explaining to the child when they are of an age to understand that I never met their father and how the truth will affect them.

I am a Christian and spend lots of prayer time asking God why He hasn't answered my prayers. I am a good person, loving daughter and a caring friend. I can't understand why me having a child would mess up His great plan. I still ponder over whether we choose our own life or whether it is all predetermined. I know I made some bad choices in life and that was all my fault. I have nobody else to blame. But I do hope that my prayers do stand a chance of becoming reality.

I feel a letdown to Mum and Dad too - they spend so much time worrying about me - my marriage, my future and Mum has spent lots of hours trying to make me more positive about things. Reassuring me that I am still young (huh) and that "His eye is on the sparrow. " Something she has never had to do with my sister. That's something that I am conscious of being at the back of my mind all the time. Sister has two gorgeously perfect children, whom I adore. They are the reason I became convinced I wanted to be a mother. I sometimes refer to myself as the sibling that Jesus forgot. Sister is a stay at home mum, very crafty, an amazing cook, involved in school and church - really hands on - totally the kind of Mum I would like to be! Wahhhh!!! It's just so hard when the one person you know who seems to have it all in life is your sister - when you are childless and in a dead marriage and your career has been dormant for seven years. I don't care about the money at all, but I crave the domestic set up she has. Obviously this has affected our relationship - she tells me about their recent trips abroad and I tell her that I found out that T has been unfaithful, I haven't been more than 5 miles since I got back here in January, I am broke and my life is crap. .... She probably feels guilty so doesn't contact me for ages. And I am so damned scared that when Mum and Dad go to the party in the sky that I will be alone, as she is basically the only family I have. I want us to be closer as deep down we are very alike - very booky, cooky, sensitive and quite old fashioned in some ways - being the children of older Christian parents. We were close when I was living in London and the kids were young. Now there seems to be this path leading us in totally different directions - which just builds barriers. When I read quotes about sisters now I just feel sad. It's not her fault - it's not my fault, but our circumstances are so different that we are on totally different wavelengths. Although I guess, this is leading onto another tangent! Hmmmm, maybe this is another issue I have to deal with!!

The green eyed monster is not an attractive trait - I hate it! It's the one of the Ten Commandments that is the hardest for me to keep, beyond a doubt, where children are concerned. Sigh! I am the Queen of Coveting at the moment!!!

I know things could change at any minute. I believe in miracles wholeheartedly. My mother was 43 when she had me and she is now a fit and healthy 82 year old, so in my head I have five years left to become a mum. But another factor ... I want my parents to hold my child - I want a photo of them with their grandchild as I never saw any of my grandparents and having seen the bond between my niece and nephew with their "Baba" and "Mr Baba" makes the longing even more acute.

I am a huge book freak and started collecting books for my children when I was in my late teens to add to the collection from my childhood. It's built up to a collection of over 300 but part of me thinks that when I go home next I will start to sell them off - but a tiny part of me says to wait and see what happens in the next couple of years. So I do still have some faith!

Another thing is that I am really into genealogy and have traced my family tree back, in some branches, to the 1600's. I want to continue my line!

Damn it all - I could go on and on. I feel like I am a bit part actress in my own life story - I am surviving (barely) but not LIVING. This isn't what I thought my life would be!!

So, judge me if you like but this is how I am feeling at the moment. I just want what most women take for granted. That's what the female body is made for - that's why I have endured painful periods every month for twenty five years.

I just want to be a mum. I want a family. I want to be the Tooth Fairy, make birthday cakes, cry at school nativity plays, be in the PTA ...... I just want to be a mum.